He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
