apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
