please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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