oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do vagina's smell?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
