Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My ATM looks so different sober.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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