Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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