You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
