Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
