he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize