you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
