she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
