Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
