you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
