My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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