I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
