Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
