just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
