Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
