Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
