I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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