the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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