I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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