hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's never too late to be topless.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
