How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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