i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Randomize
