I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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