I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
wanna go halves on a baby?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
