It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
