You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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