sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
