I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
