Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
