Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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