My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
