So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
