I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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