I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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