he shaved USA in his pubs
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
