there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
