why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How does one acquire holy water?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
