Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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