Swine flu is the new snow day.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
