All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
