I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
