Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
