I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
