this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
