Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That's how pantless uber rides happen
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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