The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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