problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize