You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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