dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
