I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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